Life is a game of choice, luck, and waiting...

Another week has passed. 65 more weeks till ORD and still counting... while my sergeant has only 95 days left.

Was watching NDP on TV... So envious of those who got the tickets. 6 years of e-balloting and not even 1 ticket... But I had the chance to go to the floating platform for the first time on thursday for an observance parade. The bus took us from camp and travelled past more than half of Singapore, travelling on PIE, passing by National Stadium, Singapore Flyer and finally Marina Bay where the skyline got in view. It was 6am in the morning and I couldn't sleep although I didn't have enough sleep. I was just so captivated by the Singapore scenery at dusk. I felt so patriotic that I was seriously considering working as a tour guide then I can introduce our beautiful country to all the tourists.

Haha. serious. All the NE in school really worked on me.

And the floating platform was just fantastic with the flyer beside and the skyline in full view. Coincidentally, I took a photo of the skyline 2 years back right at the bayside before the floating platform was built on it...



But guess my patriotism doesn't show any more than words, because im totally disliking my life now as an NSF, defending the country. Haha...

Life isn't getting any much better these days in camp. I am just dreading it even more every book-in. Book-outs are incredibly short-lived and im constantly on emo mode. I feel like im losing so much as the days passed by, my humour, confidence, temper, laughter and smile... Simple things can easily affect and influence my mood and thoughts and very often I have the urge to tear.

And the people around me just makes it worse. Im already making myself as harmless as possible, but yet im still faced with criticism, cynicism and suspicion every single day. Its really tiring mentally to have to keep my cool while maintaining the fragile relationship. And for the first time in my life (at least I think), someone thinks I am a 'b*st*rd' and 'sl*ck*r'. Maybe there were others in the past, but definitely not as blatant. I feel like I have to explain my every action and make all my efforts seen and witnessed and proven.

Screw it.

Life just sucks. And it just reminds me of the decision I made and regretted. Seeing my sergeants and officers just make me filled with envy and regret. Then reading blog entries of friends, classmates, seniors in command school, looking at their photos of commisioning parades, overseas exercises, pops etc. just makes me feeling jealous and inferior; not because of what they have, but because of my decision leading to all these that I am missing.

Damn it... 5 months later I am still at square 1.

Anyway, I am still stuck in my dilemma of whether to take isotretinoin. Days ago I was quite decided on going on with it and yesterday I went for the blood test. But upon reading more I got more cautious of the side-effects. Undeniably, its a strong medicine and can almost definitely clear my acne, but the side-effects include really dry skin, aching joints, depression and liver damage. Its said to be temporary and disappear after the course end, but I've read that a minority are still suffering from the side-effects many years later.

I had thought that the possibility of curing my acne will outweigh all the cons so I should just go for it, but its my body and there will be no turning back once I decide to start the course. Sigh... will have to think about it more before my next appointment.

Will be having a 1-week exercise outfield, that means my next weekend will be gone. But it will be given back on the following week meaning a long weekend. I'm not excited about the exercise at all... Haven't been outfield for missions for too long...

And another week of waiting continues...

;'(