i suck

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said,

"Look, twins!"

If I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

One year, they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.

He said he wanted more proof.

Another time I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,

"We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;

he was in the electric chair.

I went to see my doctor.

"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?"

He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I have a lot of pimples. One day I fell asleep in a library.

I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

Its been a rough day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the toilet.