Regrets

This must have been the most turbulent week for me for a very long time.

Series of unfortunate events just come crushing onto me ever since I made a wrong decision at the very start. My expectations in NS took a great downturn.

One of the motivation for recruits training in BMTC is to enter command school, to undergo sispec/ocs training and be sergeants or officers. There were pro and cons being a commander or a man, but guess I was slightly more attracted to the pros of being a man.

During the last few weeks of BMT, I entered 'No' to command school during the survey. It was really a tough decision to make for me then. My decision swayed every minute before the survey. Peer influence or what, wanting to slack or what, I entered no despite the majority in the lecture theatre putting yes and even my brother encouraging me to say yes.

Before the posting was released, I was damn afraid of being posted to a unit I don't like. I started to regret placing myself in such an uncertain situation, although I wasn't sure of the certainty of one entering at least sispec if he puts yes for the survey. When the posting was released, not to anyone's surprise, they respected my decision and I was posted to a unit, presumably being a tank driver.

I have to admit I was a little disappointed to know that I wasn't posted to command school, since I have heard cases of recruits being posted there even though they answered no, which gave me a little hope initially. But my results and performance during BMT wasnt that fantastic anyway.

The impact came when I realised that almost everyone who answered yes during the survey and passed their ippt got a place in command school. I felt really inferior knowing that most of my friends and classmates are going to sispec/ocs, while I am just going to be a man. Call it superficial or what, pride or what, conforming to the norm or what, I started to really, really regret saying no. Probably I was just too spoilt and cooped in an elitist mindset.

I tried to accept the fact that I was never going to have a chance in being a commander. But things only got worse when I reported to my unit. It seemed like my posting was actually just to recruit people into a programme where one will be posted to Brunei and stay there for one year. It was really tempting because of the extra 1.2k pay every month, but eventually I decided not to accept the offer. The 20+ of us were given less than 1 hour to consider.

For those of us who said no, the corporal had to randomly select 10 guys to be posted to another camp. All of us were already totally unsure what we will be doing at that place itself, not to mention what we will do at the other camp. We asked about it, but the corporal claims that they are not sure, and its most probably going to be the same. I was selected, together with 2 of my schoolmates. We had a short interview, making sure we have no objections being re-posted and then we left there for the new camp.

The new camp looked new from the outside, but inside, it looks no difference from a prison. I didn't like the place at all. We were led to the company line, where we saw some other bmtc guys posted there and looked equally confused. The place was deafeningly silent. It was only until the sergeants shouted heads out and fall in did the privates there all came out from their bunk.

We had a great shock. Many of them had tattoos, their actions were rowdy and they talked very loud. It appeared that they were mono-intakers, meaning they are mostly school dropouts etc, and they had their bmt at that camp itself and just POP-ed. We later found out that almost all of them are smokers, a great difference compared to bmtc. I wanted to cry just sitting there and being really worried. The inefficient and blur commanders didn't make us feel any better. Everyone of us was cringing in fear, unsure what was going to happen to us.

It was a totally new environment, and a totally different environment. The next day we were finally gathered in the lecture theatre where the sergeant finally told us what was going on. All 10 of us are not going to be drivers, but armoured infantry, same as the mono-intakes. There is going to be alot of outfields and will be physically demanding. And I was appointed to be a gunner, and my gun happen to be the heaviest of all, 17kg. And in effect, we bmtc guys were then joining their company until ORD.

I was really depressed. I was totally unprepared for life as a man, not to say in such an environment. Everything was unfamiliar, the place, my section, the commanders. I almost had no one to talk to. I am a real loser because I really felt like crying. But I held it back for the whole day. It wasn't until at night when I went showering and the merciless cold water hit on me that I couldn't control it anymore and sobbed.

I just felt really stupid at the very start to say no to command school. The other bmtc guys mostly failed their ippt or missed important events during bmt and couldn't qualify for command school, while I passed all the tests and had at least a satisfactory performance. Thats why I really hated myself for making that decision. I felt so so miserable and lonely, knowing that I am going to stay there for more than 1.5 years.

That day, my mum called me. Obviously my brother and dad had told her about my situation. I thought I was going to cry when I hear my mum's voice. Turns out, she cried before I did. She felt sorry and painful for me and was afraid I couldn't handle the training. I was really devastated knowing that not only am I the only one feeling sad, my closed ones are equally worried.

A week has already passed, many many more to go. I know I have no choice but to accept my fate, but the thought of all the stupid decisions and bad luck hounds me everyday. I hope I haven't irritated anyone with all my rants and complaints these few days. I needed to talk with people, and the consolations and encouragements really meant alot to me.

Now, I can only feel sour and envious looking at my sergeants and sirs, all of them confident individuals commanding their man, and most probably were just like me not long ago. And I look back at myself, who didnt even dare to take up the challenge.

Just gonna heed my brother's advice and take this incident and the next 1.5 year as a growing and learning experience.