Regret?

I am already trying to get over whatever happened in the last 1 month, really. What many people do not know is that, despite me complaining about the new camp, the people, and every little aspects of the place that I will be staying in for 1.5 years, the single thing that is making me acting like that for these 3 weeks is actually the remorse i was feeling for saying no.

Countless times, even till now, whenever i look back at what i've done that landed me into the current state, I will grind my teeth/stare into emptiness/spasm/hide under my blanket etc etc in self-reproach. The regretfulness was really killing me.

Some may think that I was ranting like a childish little kid, and tried to offer me 'refreshing' ways to look at the situation and even life. Worse, some just smirk and tease. Some laugh and think that i deserve what i chose. Helpful or not i shall not judge, but im glad that at least people cared.

Truth is, nobody except myself can change what I want to think. And I am a very stubborn person; the more people try to change what i think, the more resistant i get.

I believe im mature enough to think through my own problems. I just needed time.

In any case, anyone who only had a 5 minutes chat with me or just read a single blog entry of mine should really not try to reach any conclusions, putting my situation into theirs and thinking that they know all the solutions to my problems. You probably don't totally understand the mental turmoil I have been undergoing, and the insensitive remarks will only hurt me more.

On the other hand, im really grateful to all the people who have been encouraging me. The simple words of encouragement on the tagboard, and many others who smsed, hoping I was feeling better. And very importantly, my father and brother who has been smsing and calling me every other day to know how im getting along and what i was feeling.

I am getting well in camp, actually. These 3 weeks have been pretty relaxing, because the outfields only come after the trades course end on May 24.

The bunks are new and people from the other 3 company have came back from outfield, injecting some 'vibrancy' to the camp. The food is getting better by the day, even better than tekong i think, at least the fruits have more variety.

Im also getting along well with the mono-intakes, and made some friends (mostly bmtc people, for now). Putting the 'hokkien peng' with us well-behaved and disciplined bmtc mummy-boys may not have been a great match, but at least its not repulsive.

My bed buddy was from bmtc as well, gryphon company. He has tattoos all over his back and arms and he smokes, but not that it matters to me, because i enjoy niao-ing him for being fat and many other stuffs. Haha, at least i still have targets to polish my skills. But one downside is that I can't find my 'gay-partner' yet. o.O As in someone to sit on bed together and emo with la.. But nvm, if all else fails i can always write my emotions down..

I have my own aims and goals too. I have been putting my best for the daily ippt trainings, soc trainings, endurance run etc in the morning which all basically involve a 3k run and exercises. While many others chao-kenged or cheated during the trainings, I did the best I could. (sometimes also motivating myself thinking about how the sispec/ocs trainees are training like mad, ;/)

I was thinking, only 2 outcome will result from putting in my best. Either I get fitter :), or i injure myself and get down-pes to a new camp. Both seemed desirable. =) I want to finish SOC in the shortest time possible. And I am aiming gold for ippt as well, I just need to do a few more pull-ups and catch up with the crazy indians when running 2.4.

$200!

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Yes, my heart still hurts when I see my commanders controlling and giving us 'man' instructions, and abuse exercising their rights simply because they have a higher rank. I guess I will never forgive myself for turning away the opportunity to lead, but sooner or later I will get over it think about it less. The wallowing can only last that long...

Its better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and regret... I don't wanna regret anymore for regretting.